I’ve started drinking Gingeraid kombucha on the rocks in a wine glass. It’s actually a really nice substitute, even though it’s a total sham. It reminds me of when I was 20-something and dating this gorgeous guy from Denmark. He used to make fun of me for setting my clock 45 minutes ahead in an effort to be perpetually early. “You Americans, you’re so easy to fool.” I say, whatever works.
Today is the first full day of summer. A gorgeous Friday morning. Quiet, bright, and pulsing with energy. I am sober. One month today. In some ways I feel like an infant in this brave new world of recovery. The last time I did this (8 years ago), I did not explore the full spectrum of recovery like I am now. It was 2009, there were fewer resources available. I could have tried meetings but I was vehemently opposed to AA at the time. Too cult-like. Today, I feel like my mind is spread open, my judgements and opinions mean less.
I listen to The Bubble Hour daily–on my way to and from work and any other time I get in my car. I explore the web like it’s my job. In fact, I do it at my job in between patients. Yesterday I downloaded 500 questions from The California Fourth Step program and plan to start digging deep this weekend. That’s some pretty intense shit! My biggest concern now is where the hell am I going to hide my answers. Apparently, you write everything down on paper and then come clean with someone. I honestly don’t think I could. I don’t know anyone in my life that I could actually TELL my story to. It is way to sordid. Too Lifetime. I can tell strangers, yeah, no prob. But to someone who knows me? No freaking way. Maybe that is an issue in and of itself?
So, here I am. A month in. I’ve been tempted to drink on several occasions but didn’t. I made it through a wedding, a gala, asbestos removal, a play in which I didn’t know my lines, several afternoons of lawn care, and the news that my father’s disease is progressing rapidly. All situations that screamed, “CHARDONNAY”. Yes, I should be proud of myself but I know better. I know that I can make it through the worst of times, because I’ve done it before. I also know that I can make the decision to drink again for the most inane reason. Just because I want to. So, my guard must be perpetually up. I know how easy it is for me to fuck this up. I know I am fully capable of both: being a drunk and living in sobriety. My choice today is sobriety.